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Reginald's Naptime Gone Horribly... Wrong


Word Art by Reygann Jones


The subject of today's story is Reginald, an extremely prickly elderly man. When Reginald doesn't get his naps every day, he's just a cranky old man. For an elderly man, he had quite the busy day today. He awoke bright and early this morning at seven o'clock. while no one else was on the streets in his area, to go for a walk with his dog. The only sound present was that of nature. There were crickets playing music, birds chirping in the distance, and the sound of trees rustling in the breeze.  That is Reginald's favorite time of day since it allows him to spend time alone with his dog, Marty, a cocker spaniel who is a sweet little puppy. It's neither too hot nor too cold outside; it's exactly fine. Plus, no one else is outside in his area at that time of day, so it's just him, his dog, and his thoughts. 

Reginald wants the entire day to be like this, just nice and quiet with no distractions, and that he could take as many naps as he wanted during the day. Regrettably, Reginald must return to reality and accept that he is an old man with old pals to see every now and then and duties as well. So, after Reginald finishes walking his dog Marty, he returns home, takes a shower, changes his clothing, and is now ready to conquer the day! Reginald, on the other hand, has a very definite schedule he has established for himself over the course of around 50 years. At twelve o'clock in the afternoon, Reginald stops what he's doing, returns to his house, and prepares for his two-hour nap. The two-hour nap is critical to Reginald's daily routine. When he gets home, he puts on his pajamas, slippers, and sets his alarm to prepare for his nap. You must also respect Reginald's nap time. He is what we call a routine man, and if that routine is even slightly disrupted, all hell breaks loose for everything and everyone around him. The last time someone interrupted Reginald's nap time just as he was about to fall asleep, it almost started World War II. As you can see, we don't want to ruin Reginald's nap because, as I've said previously, he'll get very grumpy and everything will blow up.

Now that you are aware of the history behind our decision to not do that, let's carry on with Reginald's Day. Reginald and his old friends are scheduled to attend the last torture bingo at the park today. He is an expert at playing bingo. In the past year, Reginald has won more than 100 bingo games! That strikes me as being rather remarkable for an elderly man, at least for me. Anywho Reginald enters the park and runs into his old geezers friends, whom he has known since high school. Albert, John, Ruth, and Maragret have all probably won more than 30 bingos in the last year. Although not as good as Reginald, he is the Colorado state champion. They're all great, have a couple of laughs, and Reginald wins the bingo championship for the fifth year in a row! It takes a lot of luck for an old man to win for five years in a row. It's been about four hours since the bingo game began, but it's now over. Oh no, it's been four hours and Reginald appears exhausted. Another hour before... You guessed it, people. DAILY NAP TIME AT REGINALDS.

It is now twelve o'clock in the afternoon, and Reginald goes through his nap routine: he removes his outing attire, changes into his pajamas, sets his alarm clock for three o'clock, and crawls into his bed. Then it was cut short; just before he sat down in his bed, he heard this dripping noise. His brow furrows into a deep frown. So he gets up to see what's making that dripping noise, and to his surprise, it's just his kitchen sink faucet dripping. So he turns off the water to ensure that there is no more dripping noise. He returns to his bed, turns off his alarm clock, and closes his eyes. Reginald is irritated by the distraction, but he ignores it now that it has been resolved. Hopefully, Reginalds won't have to deal with any more distractions, right? WRONG! Two more things interfere with his nap. One, he forgot that his gardener is due to come out today to mow his grass, and Reginald has no idea how long he will be there. It could be for two hours, the entire two hours he could be napping right now! I understand how devastating this is. The second thing is that he forgot it was the Fourth of July today, so Reginald now has to deal with the Fourth of July parade passing right by his house.

There are numerous bands playing loud music, about twenty bright floaters, and more people making noise on his street. Reginald emerges from his bedroom and begins yelling at the parade. But the parade can't hear him because they're too busy operating the parade route, which just happens to pass through Reginald's neighborhood. He's lucky he has a vermin vacuum sucker 9000. This is the only vacuum in the world that can suck anything by simply pressing a button. So Reginald cranks up the vacuum and walks outside, sucking up the entire Fourth of July parade. "Stop all that racket you hippies!" Everyone in the parade starts flying through the air and being sucked into the vacuum one by one. It started with the band members, then the dancers, then all of the giant floaties, and then it was up Reginald's vermin the vacuum sucker 9000.

There was no one in sight, no parade, all the people who were watching the parade fled, and Reginald even sucked up his gardener who was mowing his lawn! Larry, I don't think he'll get his paycheck now. "Ahh peace and quiet, finally I can take my goddamn nap now that all of those dang hippies are gone and out of my sight, and most importantly, OFF MY DING DANG LAWN!" Reginald finally looked around, proudly nodded, and went back inside his house to prepare for his nap for the second time. This old man can't seem to catch a break. But, to our surprise, something else arose. Just as Reginald was about to sit down on his bed, not even an inch away, he heard commotion outside. So he had to climb back out of his bed and go outside again. But when Reginald went out to see what it was, there was no one there. So he went out onto the sidewalk and looked around, first to the left, then to the right, but he saw nothing. Isn't it strange? How can there be noise when there is no one around to make it? Reginald looked around again, left and right, but saw nothing. He shrugged and turned back around to go back into his house. But then he noticed this large shadow hovering over him. He was initially perplexed, but then a chill ran down his spine and he remembered... EVERYONE IN VERMIN THE VACUUM SUCKER 9000 WAS LEFT BEHIND. Reginald looks up slowly to discover that his vacuum triple quadrupled in size. It appeared to be a living giant meatball.

Reginald felt paralyzed all the way from his head to his toes. He had lost all of his color and resembled Casper the friendly ghost. But knowing him, he'd be Casper the unfriendly ghost. Just the grumpy old deceased man ghost, Casper. But Reginald gathered his courage, took a deep breath, and realized what he needed to do. He borrowed the bulldozer from construction across the street, scooped up the vermin vacuum sucker 9000, and moved it over to the pillow factory, switching the suck button to reverse. Reginald would have to act quickly so that the angry crowd did not track him down and chase him down the street. Which, in my opinion, seemed like a very logical thing to do; I would have done the same thing if I was attempting to take my scheduled nap time and random things kept interrupting me, just saying.

He returns to his home and tries to get back into bed for his nap, but it is now 3:00 in the afternoon, well after his bedtime. Consequently, Reginald became extremely enraged upon seeing the time! Green spots appeared on Reginald's skin, and his size continued to grow until he was much too large and blew up his house from the inside out. He's now become a furious monster, akin to the Hulk. Taking everything and everyone in the city by storm, he began to rampage! He discovered the Independence Day procession once more, and they attempted to take down Reginald Hulk only to find that they were unable to do so due to his size and extreme greenness, making it difficult to even make a fist. "LET ME TAKE A SCHEDULED SLEEP; YOU KNOW THAT." THE COSTS OF YOUR ACTIONS ARE NOW YOURS TO PAY! With one swift motion of his enormous hand, he captures the entire Fourth of July parade and carries it across the city to the daycare facility for young, immature infants. After tearing off the top of the daycare center's roof and throwing the entire parade inside, Hulk Reginald replaced the roof with a roof made of stronger materials. Then, in order to ensure that the building was securely closed off, where the procession could not escape and no one could enter to free the lampposts, Regianld Hulk grabbed three of the metal ones, tied them together, and wrapped them around the structure. 

Knowing that he had put an end to the absurd noise that was keeping him from falling asleep, Reginald nodded his head in pure satisfaction and showed them not the slightest regret. When Reginald Hulk turned to face the building, he saw that no one was in the streets and that everyone who was staring out of the building was terrified and not staring at Reginald Hulk. Reginald Hulk cast a bewildered glance at the populace. When he turned around and saw what was behind him, his complexion paled. You'll never believe who was behind Reginald Hulk—I'm not usually that shocked, but it truly surprised me. But given how large it is, I doubt that you people would want to know what happened. Alright! I will reveal it to you. 

Well, let's get back to the tale. Reginald turns around at that point. He witnesses the entire police force in the nation, the CIA, the FBI, and every military unit. military forces such as the coast guard, army, navy, and air force! I have no idea how those guys got here, and the coast guard is never seen anywhere—well, not on land, of course—so I'm not even sure how they got the boats on shore. As far as I can tell, they are powerless! Claiming that Reginald Hulk threw the megaphone, one of the top FBI agents exits his elegant black Cadillac and holds a megaphone to his mouth. "Sir! So that we don't have to take drastic measures against you, please calm down! We will use force if you don't follow our instructions, I promise! However, Reginald Hulk was not paying attention to the FBI agent; instead, all he could hear was the noise he was producing as well as the sounds of the cars, planes, and tank engines that were encircling him from all sides. Right now, Reignald Hulk only had one objective, and that was to silence the commotion. HOWEVER HE CAN, EVEN IF IT MEANS RELYING ON HIMSELF TO KILL THEM. Reginald Hulk didn't care who he had to go through to take a nap at this point. BY ANY MEANS ESSENTIAL!  Reginald Hulk lets out a thunderous roar of rage that echoes throughout the planet. This was being broadcast on every new casting station in the world. And the news article's title was the same for each of them. 

IS THIS IT? In order to get his nap time, the green old man monster destroys the planet! With his enormous, green hands, Reginald Hulk begins to beat and batter the military tanks and missiles. He also flings FBI agent cars everywhere and launches one into the Atlantic Ocean. Reginald Hulk was being fired at by fighter jets and every law enforcement agency available, but their efforts proved futile. The gun bullets that were being fired at Regian Hulk are deflected by his tough and rough skin, which allows the bullets to bounce off him and barely leave a mark. The tear gas was replaced with sleep gas when they attempted to throw it at him, forcing Reginald Hulk to pass out and take a forced nap. 

Along with his bingo pals Albert, John, Ruth, and Maragret, they even attempted to calm him down. Just relax, Reginald, you old bastard! Your back will get screwed up! Saying with revulsion, Albert said. Get your head out of your ass and detransform back, Reggie; we need you for bingo tomorrow. Come on. Ruth expressed herself honestly. Seated on a bench, munching on peanuts and perusing the newspaper, Margaret and John were obligingly preoccupied. They are the oldest in the group, so I really believe that's why they don't care about anything else, but aside from reading the newspaper and eating peanuts, man, I wish I was that carefree about life. Alright, returning to the narrative. 

Unfortunately, Reginald was unable to calm down and grew larger as a result of his increased agitation due to the noise continuing to be made. His skin changed from a dark green to a bright red, and steam began to emit from his ears so intensely that it obscured the entire city. He grew to a size greater than four statues of liberty stacked on top of one another.  Once the fog cleared, all law enforcement agencies nationwide, including the FBI, CIA, and the military forces such as the marines, army, navy, air force, and coast guard, were forced to postpone taking action. However, they all realized that in order to defeat Reginald Hulk, they had exhausted all of their primary weapons. It was therefore necessary for them to pull out the larger guns that they had not previously used. To be honest, they used all of the guns, so it wasn't really about guns. In any case! Rewind the narrative. Now that they were down to their last hope of taking down this monstrously grumpy old man, they had no more guns, tanks, or missiles with them.  therefore referred to as their final covert tool. Reginald Hulk was wondering to himself why they had stopped shooting at him as everyone lowered their weapons. This tiny, little Mini Cooper begins to drive in his direction. When Reginald Hulk sat down on the sidewalk to see who was inside the bright yellow Mini Cooper, he discovered that it was his ex-wife's vehicle! Along with his petite six-year-old granddaughter emerged from the mini Cooper's passenger side. His adorable granddaughter brought the entire world to tears with her beauty.

Reginald Hulk then restored everything he had destroyed, including the tanks and cars that had been brought back from the sea to land, the daycare center that had been closed off from the roof, the Fourth of July parade that had been rescheduled, the three lamp posts that he had used to lock shut the daycare center for young infants, and all of the lampposts that he had taken and replaced where they belonged on the sidewalks and streets.  Subsequently, the color of Reginald Hulk's skin changed back from red to green, and he began to shrink and regain his human form. Because their covert weapon had been successful in calming down Reginald Hulk and transforming him back into Regular Reginald, all of the forces that had been attempting to take him down before were greatly relieved. With a broad smile on his face, he picked up his granddaughter and held her up so he was eye level with her. Grandfather, awaken. Wake up, Grandpa. ALERT NOW.  When Reginald opened his eyes again, he saw that his granddaughter was standing next to his bed, yelling at him to get up. We need to go to the park, so get up, Grandpa. We overslept! It was three in the afternoon, as he saw when he looked at his watch. For two hours today, he slept in. It gives me great pride to inform you that our beloved Reginald has set a new record. Not to take too many sleeping pills right before his nap is another excellent lesson from Reginald. Maybe Our next story our cranky old geezer will get his hand stuck in a pickle jar again for the fifth time this week! Man those other times he did it was a real adventure for the two of us, I almost had to drive his car to the emergency room down the street from our house  because he couldn't drive with one hand. Which would have also been bad for me because me and the rest of my fellow species do not really understand the quantum mechanics of how cars work. We simply get the sure bliss of just sticking our adorable faces out of the mer window. But I'm glad he was woken up by the shrilling sheriks of his adorable granddaughter, or else we wouldn't be able to go to the park by now! I would have been angry if I was not going to get my afternoon walk in today because then we would not have been able to play catch and roll around in the mud! Well at least I like Reginald. I do not find it pleasing when I do, because then he has to give me a bath when we get back home. Anyway folks that is the end of our story for today, I am your narrator/ host Marty the adorable cocker spaniel and wish you all a good day. Stay tuned for the next adventure! Until then I have a date with a mud pile at the park.

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