Quiet As the Morning

As I sat, dissociated from the world I did not notice the eggshell white walls, or the smell of coffee surrounding the room, or the light flickering every so slightly like a dock rocking in the wind. 

Knock Knock! I jolted back to reality as the Doctor walked in. I found myself hyper aware of what was happening around me, the doctor's desert colored clipboard holding a single piece of paper. The tension lingering in the air like dust, waiting to be swept away.

“We got your results back Declan,” she said to me. Her words sounded solemn and soft. I knew what was coming but still, her words hit me like a freight train. 

“You have terminal cancer.” 

At that moment the world seemed to halt, nothing moved for what felt like an eternity, everything sat still, like a kid trying not to be heard in the middle of the night. Nothing felt real to me anymore, I don’t even remember leaving the office and getting back in my faded blue Corolla. 

My drive home felt instant, the next thing I remember, was waking up in a cold sweat. It was 04:17, I found myself staring at my first painting, hanging right above my bed. It was my favorite painting, it was the first painting I made with the Michael Harding paints I received from my parents for Christmas. I was so excited to make something that I forgot all of my basics and just started creating. The paintbrush was flowing like a river carving through the earth.

I found myself unable to fall asleep again, so I put on my beat up Carhartt jacket and my paint covered blue jeans and headed out into the crisp Iowa morning for a walk. I walked for what seemed like an eternity, I never used to pay attention to the world around me, but during this walk everything seemed so clear. The two cars that had driven by, completely unnoticed by the moon. The countless number of bugs buzzing around the single street lamp on this silent street. The further I walked the less and less I recognized my surroundings, the more alone and lost I felt. Then just like that I found myself back at my apartment. 07:46.

I walked up the stairs and found my apartment, 310, finally something I recognized. I fished in my pocket searching for my keys, but as I fished and fished my pocket felt like a bottomless hole, because there was a hole. Everything hit me at once, I lost my key and didn’t have a way to get back home.

I tried to think about where my keys fell through the hole, but as I tried I couldn’t remember a thing, “where did I go during my walk”? Trying to remember hurt my head, so I headed to the only person with another key to my apartment.

“Knock-Knock” I said, hoping Zoe would be awake even though it was already 08:16. She never was an early riser. “Coming-one second!” I heard muffled through the door. A couple seconds later the door flung open so quickly I thought it was going to rip off the hinges. “Hey, what's up?” Zoe was clearly confused why I woke her up so early. “I lost my house key and you have the only spare” I said to her softly. “Oh yeah I have it, but if you want it you gotta tell me how you lost your key” she said jokingly. “Can I come in or do I have to explain in the cold?” I said jokingly.

As I walked in I realized how neat and tidy her apartment was compared to mine. All her books neatly slotted next to each other, her kitchenette was spotless like a pane of glass. The freshly opened pumpkin spice candle from Bed Bath and Beyond filled the room with a sweet smell. 

“Finally” I thought, something messy. I found her computer setup in the corner, cords tangled together like a pair of headphones you put in your pocket. Her drawing tablet dead center on the desk, still on from last night. 

“So what happened?” she said sitting on her old and worn gray couch. She motioned for me to sit with her. “Well I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to go for a walk to clear my head, but the jeans I put on had a hole in the pocket and my keys fell through it” I said quickly trying to divert her attention from my walk. “So what is suuuchhhh a big deal for you, that you couldn’t sleep and decided to go on a walk without remembering your pants had a hole in the pocket?” she said sarcastically. 

“I got diagnosed with terminal cancer last night.”

My words hung in the air like an invisible fog. We sat there silent for what felt like hours just looking at each other, each passing second we felt further and further apart. You could cut through the silence with a knife. I don’t think either of us knew how to break the silence, and I don’t think either of us wanted to. I saw her slowly reach into her pocket, it seemed like I was watching a slow motion video. She reached in her pocket and slowly wrapped her hand around a key in her pocket. The world appeared to speed up rapidly as Zoe handed me the key. When I grabbed it I could only hear one thing. 

“Sorry”

As I walked out everything went quiet. It was like I had noise-canceling headphones in. The cars driving past made no noise, I only knew they were there because of the wind I felt when they drove by. The birds were silent, not even a peep. The ground beneath my feet felt like a cloud. My body felt weightless, nothing felt real anymore. As I passed The Slow Down Coffee Co. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since I woke up. I was hungry.